Thank You Ten: How Being a Black Woman In Theater Helped Me Realize My Self-Worth

Always remember it is a gift to be in your presence. That’s not being cocky or conceded. That’s understanding your worth! #selfworth #selfcare #selflove #blackwomenselfcar #selfcareroutine #boundarysetting

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My Breaking Point Led To a Discovery That Was Priceless

“Nina Simone said it best, “Learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.”

Lately, I’ve been dedicating time to healing and understanding my emotions. Through periodic check-ins and a host of self-discovery questions, I had a profound discovery. I realized that not only had I lost the love that I once had for the arts, but I also suffered trauma from being in those spaces. What artists are expected to endure is mind-blowing. Add systematic racism, oppression, body shaming, and lack of education and recourses to the mix, and you have the recipe for a toxic environment. The entertainment industry has a history of being problematic. That’s nothing new, but it wasn’t until I took an intimacy coordinating course that I realized I have a right not to be traumatized in these spaces. It was the fear of retaliation that stopped me from advocating for myself. That was a large pill to swallow, and it ultimately led to a sobering revelation for someone that had spent the last seven years of their life building a resume in an industry that was not designed for people like me to exist and thrive. I was chasing my dreams, but at what cost? I found myself desperately trying to prove myself. I was exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Singing has always been a massive part of my life. It’s always been healing, but I couldn’t remember the last time I sang for myself. I wasn’t doing it for me anymore. There were people making decisions about my gift and what I could and could not do based on how they perceived me as a person and societal stereotypes that are harmfully perpetuated by media. I felt like I had no agency over my career. I had no agency over my vocal cords, which basically equaled no agency over my body. Not to mention the constant comparing myself to other people was harmful and destroyed my confidence. I remember thinking, "if I just knew what I did wrong," I could fix it. I tried to become what they wanted to see in the audition room, and one day it hit me…it didn’t matter. No matter how talented I was, they would never see me as anything other than a stereotype. I know this is not the best attitude, but there are parts of this realization that are true. When there is no representation of marginalized groups in the workplace, there is no one to speak on behalf of people of color or to speak to the issues that marginalized people face. For example, I was once informed that a casting decision came down to my demeanor outside the audition room. I was told I didn’t look happy; therefore, the assumption was made that I didn’t want to be there. I am autistic. I find large social gatherings to be over-stimulating, so I isolate myself in order to preserve my energy. Why is this way of thinking tolerated in the industry? I will likely never receive an answer to this question. Ultimately, I was jumping through hoops for people who don’t want to be educated, don’t want to change, and want to continue to engage in processes and procedures that are damaging and archaic. I left the stage behind for many reasons, but no longer be fulfilled by music was a huge eye-opener. I immediately began to work through what I was feeling, and ultimately I concluded that in order to regain my autonomy, I would have to take a step back and focus on myself. I needed to collect the pieces of me that I selflessly gave away. I needed to be the change that I wanted to see. Though I’m still processing and haven’t found my footing, I’ve made valuable discoveries and learned important lessons. Here are some of the valuable lessons that being a Black woman in theatre has taught me.

People Don’t See you Because They Don’t Want To

People aren't aknowledging you because they don’t want to, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Working to be noticed in this environment is counterproductive and keeps you in a toxic cycle of people-pleasing. Learn to let go when people don’t see your worth. Nina Samone said it best, “learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served." It can be challenging to let go when you feel like people don’t recognize your worth. Working to try and be noticed can be a natural reaction to the frustration of feeling unseen. Instead of putting all your effort into trying to be seen, focus on yourself and your goals. Learn to be a source of validation for yourself. You have so much worth and value. If the people around you choose not to see it, that‘s their issue. Seek the people who respect and appreciate what you bring to the table.

I’m Shining My Light For Me

“Dear beautiful black girl, The world won’t understand you. The world may even hate you, but despite all you've endured, you will continue to thrive, adjust your crown and keep moving forward. Don’t let what you see around you discourage you. You deserve the world. Handle yourself accordingly. Just in case no one has told you today. You are pure magic. The people around you could never! You are surrounded by ancestors who love you. Now make them proud! ”

I pour my soul out on stage, and that can be highly draining when people continue to take from you but don’t bother to fill your cup. I am being selfish with my energy, love, and my presence. I am filling my cup before I fill anyone else’s. If a situation is not reciprocal, it is simply not for me. It's not personal. It's business. I am running the business myself. There must be a return on my investment. It's so important to prioritize yourself! It's not always easy, but it's essential for your well-being. Focus on building meaningful relationships with people who have your back and care enough about you to hold you accountable. Above all, be kind to yourself and enjoy this season of your life! Don’t shy away from the inner work. It can get lonely at times, but it’s worth it. Often building a foundation of self requires solitude.

I am Embracing The Soft Girl Aesthetic

I am learning to navigate a softer, vulnerable side of myself. Each day I am defining what that means. I am being more gentle with myself than I have ever been. Black women are strong. We have to be. We don’t get to be vulnerable. We don’t get to be damsels in distress. How we have to navigate this world is exhausting. We live in a world that villainizes our existence. A world that decides who we are and never asks how we feel about it. Yet, still, we thrive. I am humbled by the fact that I am in uncharted territory. I’m uncertain how to navigate this, but I deserve it. I know that I get to define who I am. This becomes difficult in a world full of people who think they have the privilege to decide this for me. I am done with people, places, and things that do not align with this concept. I am no longer showing up as the “strong black woman." Not in my real life, and most certainly not as a character. I realized that playing these roles hardened me more than life itself. It’s cliche, but life truly does imitate art. I have a responsibility to handle the roels that I choose to embody carefully, and I am at peace with the fact that I will work less becasue I choose not to perform roles force me to act while living in my trauma.

Rest and Set Clear Boundaries

Rest is not a four-letter word. Embrace resting and practice resting. Burnout is not a sign of productivity. Burnout is a sign of overworking. Burnout is not a badge of honor or a direct result of chasing your dreams. I am not nor will I ever be a “struggling artist." That is a mindset that will keep you in lack. Our ancestors worked tirelessly with the hope that one day we would be able to rest. We honor our ancestors when we rest. I’m choosing to honor my ancestors. This is my legacy. I get to write my story. Set, evaluate, and re-evaluate your boundaries over and over again. Decide what you are willing to accept and what is non-negotiable. Set ironclad boundaries for the spaces that you plan to enter. They should not shift or be compromised for friends or family, especially in the workplace. A certain level of professionalism should be maintained at all times. See people who casually overstep your boundaries as red flags and treat them accordingly. It’s not personal. It’s business. If it begins to disrupt my peace, it has to go. My time is priceless. My rest is valuable. I'm choose to use my time on this earth with intention and wisdom.

I don’t know if my hiatus is indefinite, but I know it is the right choice. I am allowing my dream to shift and take shape. I am holding on to my vision, but I am releasing control of the outcome of my vision. The world needs my gifts. The world needs my light. As long as I'm handling myself accordingly, I am walking in my purpose. That’s truly all that matters. Here is the mantra that I am choosing to embody for my new journey:

Dear Beautiful Black Girl,

The world won’t understand you. The world may even hate you, but despite all you've endured, you will continue to thrive, adjust your crown and keep moving forward. Don’t let what you see around you discourage you. You deserve the world. Handle yourself accordingly. Just in case no one has told you today. You are pure magic. The people around you could never! You are surrounded by ancestors who love you. Now make them proud!

Self-care is never selfish!

Get Inspired

If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you found encouragement and inspiration. I hope you feel seen and validated. Don't forget to subscribe for more tips and tool to help you navigate your self-care journey. Do you need help identifying and sticking with a self-care routine? Don't forget to download my self-care ebook titled Selfish!